I am ashamed to write this because I know I’ve handled this situation poorly but I need to put it out there. I work in retail for a family run business. We truly are like a family so I think that makes this incident worse.
Last Thursday I was sexually harassed at work by a former employee of the store. This man not only made inappropriate comments, he actually reached out and grabbed my breasts. This occurred in front of the owners son. When I went to the owner to report what happened, the man came in the room. When asked if he did it, he said “yeah, just like this “and proceeded to grab one breast again. Nothing was said to him, and it was laughed about!
I am devastated and enraged by the fact I feel betrayed by my employer. I get that we all talk shit to one another and joke around but this is unforgivable to me. More than anything I’m upset with myself for not hitting this asshole and quitting on the spot. I need this job and I’m barely getting by financially as it is. I cant afford to be unemployed but at the same time I don’t know that I can continue to work in an environment that I feel unsafe in.
I hate how this has made me feel. I’m more self concious about what I wear now. (They were not on display by any means when this happened) I worry about him coming back in and what will happen. I’m just angry that I even have to deal with this shit at all.
Sunday’s have always been my least favorite day of the week. I get sucked into the blues /funk whatever you want to call it. Today is by far the worst it’s been in a long time. I’m stuck with a running recap of last night in my head. Now not to sound bitchy but for the last month, I’ve been patiently waiting and accepting excuses as to why someone didn’t have time to come around.
I understand that we all have things to do, don’t get me wrong. However as a woman who pulls 60 hours a week, keeps the chores caught up, keeps a dog alive and spoiled, and makes time for friends & family … I don’t buy “I’m busy “as an excuse. Especially from someone who is currently unemployed. Sorry if that’s harsh but damnit it’s how I feel. In an effort to be supportive I went out last night to the show (the one they’ve been so busy planning) . In all honesty it was not great. Thankfully there were tons of friends I haven’t seen lately and lots of alcohol to keep me distracted from the fact that after a month of “can’t wait to see you babe’s “… you guessed it… I got ignored!
Other highlights of the evening :
I was told my hair looks like a wig
Sketchy girl stripper dancing and humping the floor @ a dive bar took attention away from my wig like hair.
Kiddies this is why I stay home…
I am tired of being disappointed. I am tired of feeling lonely. I am tired of trying and putting myself out there only to see those attempts fail. Mostly I am tired of being in such a foul funk. I know I have so much to be grateful for but right now that isn’t helping. I just want some relief from all these feelings.
I think my only real dream in life is to have a farm where I have miniature sized animals that are usually big like cows and donkeys, and giant sized animals that are usually small like rabbits and chickens. All of the animals will be roughly the same size. It will be adorable.
Here is a sampling of my future farm:
Listen to the music which makes you want to both sob and dance with uninhibited joy, and allow yourself to repeat any song you want as many times as your heart desires. Think of the person you are when you have your favorite song in your headphones and are walking down a street you feel you own completely, swaying your hips and smiling for no good reason — remember how many things you love about yourself during those moments, how much you are willing to forgive in yourself, how confident you are for no good reason. Try to think of confidence as a gift you give yourself when you need it, instead of something you have to siphon from every unreliable source in your life. Dance because the music makes you remember how much you love yourself, not because it allows you to forget the fact that you don’t.
Write a list of all the things you like about yourself, even if you think it’s a self-indulgent and narcissistic activity. Start as early as you like in your life — put down that time you won a trophy playing little league soccer when you were eight and then got an extra-large shake at the DQ on the way home, and don’t feel silly for remembering it. Try to understand how many sources in your life happiness can come from, how many things you could be proud of if you chose to. Ask yourself why you so tightly limit the things you take pride in, why you set your own hurdles for happiness and fulfillment so much higher than you do with anyone else in your life. Let your list go on for pages and pages if you want it to.
Touch and care for yourself with the attention and the patience that you would someone you loved more than life itself. Rub lotion in small circles on your elbows and hands when it is cold and your skin is dry and cracked. Make soup for yourself when your nose is running and curl up, with your favorite movie, in a pile of expertly-stacked pillows. Light a few candles and let their glow flicker against your body. Admire how gentle they are, how delicately their warmth touches you — wonder why you don’t let yourself do the same. Soak your feet in warm water at the end of a long day, until they have forgiven you for walking on them for so long without so much as a “thank you.” Listen to your body when it aches to be touched, and don’t be afraid to give it every orgasm that you may have been too ashamed to ask for in someone else’s bed.
Be patient with yourself, and don’t worry if a switch doesn’t flip in you which abruptly takes you from “crippling self-doubt” to “uncompromising self-love.” Allow yourself all the trepidation and clumsy, uneven infatuation that you would with a promising stranger. Try only to be kinder, to be softer, and to remember all of the things within you which are worth loving. Listen to the voice in the back of your head which tells you, as much out of sadness as anger, “You are ugly. You are stupid. You are boring.” Give it the fleeting moment of attention it so craves, and then remind it, “Even if that were true, I’d still be worth loving.
It’s after midnight, my ex is asleep on my couch. He texted earlier asking if I wanted company and brought our boy to my place. I’m not sure why he came but I’m loving the fact that Dexter is nestled in my lap. So while he slumbers, I will love on my baby and exchange texts with a new guy who makes me smile.
Nothing like getting strep throat to top off an already horrible holiday season… ugh